Spazzing Out at 35

Birthdays are supposed to be a time fun and enjoyment. The days after, though, can sometimes lead to anxiety and depression.

“Oh girl God would never put the desire for something on your heart and not provide it”

As I looked at the words on my phone screen my eyes began to brim with tears. You see, I had just celebrated my 35th birthday, twenty two days ago and I was having an emotional breakdown and a mini anxiety attack all in one. Twenty two days ago, I had thrown down for my birthday despite a worldwide pandemic. I was not about to let COVID put a damper on my celebrations. I had taken photos at dawn, had a mini photo shoot, made a fab cake and had a Zoom party with my girls. But here I was twenty two days later feeling so down. The despondent feeling came from scrolling through the discover page of my Instagram feed and seeing people in seemingly happy relationships, ladies with growing baby bumps and jubilant wedding parties taunting me, asking me “so how comes at thirty five you down have any of this?” As I looked at my feed I just wanted to scream!

Celebrating Chapter 35!

Then, the most convenient but non coincidental thing happened while I was mulling over my feed. A girlfriend of mine, let’s call her K, caught wind of a post in my Instagram story. The post stated “Being okay if it happens and okay if it doesn’t happen is a very powerful place to be” which I captioned “Praying I get there #NotThereYet”. Don’t know who I was fooling because K saw right through me. I was trying to suppress those intense desires, the desire for a healthy loving partnership that leads to marriage, the desire for that wedding I’ve been planning since I was a little girl and the desire for a family. With that post I was trying to convince myself that if these things never happened I’d be okay. Ohh the LIES!!!! The blatant lies!! How could I crave something so badly and then be okay with not having it? I was ‘spazzing’ out and K’s words made me realize that maybe I shouldn’t be.

But here I am at 35 years and 22 days, I am a hopeless romantic who is single with a burning desire for healthy companionship, marriage, and kids.

You see at 35 there are certain expectations of you as woman, expectations from your family, friends, yourself and even from society. Expectations that come disguised as concerns. Concerns like “You're a 35 now, time for a daughter, but I'd rather eat the cake first (i.e. attend my wedding) before you have the daughter” or “Your son is almost 10 he needs a sibling’. The concerns sometimes are understandably well placed ( and I say that very loosely) but I already beat myself up so much over these same ‘concerns’ hearing it from someone else places me in an emotional whirlwind.

But here I am at 35 years and 22 days, I am a hopeless romantic who is single with a burning desire for healthy companionship, marriage, and kids. You know those relationships where you and your beau travels, takes dorky and cute photos together, display lots of PDA and respect and love the heck out of each other. Corny? Right? Don’t get me wrong I know it’s no walk in the park but I want it with all the ups and downs. So when at 35 I find my self single, relationship-less and marriage-less, guess what? I 'spaz' out! I 'spaz' out not because I am ungrateful for how far I have come. Neither is it because I am jealous of my friends and family who have achieved the things I desire. No, in fact I thrive on gratitude. I genuinely celebrate and encourage my friends in all victories, whether big or small. So why am I 'spazzing' out? I 'spaz' out because I keep wondering who is going to date and marry a 35 year old single mom? I 'spaz' out because at 35, time is not on the side of my biological clock. I 'spaz' out because I really want so much and wonder if I want it so badly, hence why it is taking so long to happen. Don’t get me wrong I believe it will happen and that’s why K’s statement resonated with me so much. But believing it will happen doesn’t stop me from 'spazzing' out.

At your age, are you comfortable with your achievement or are you like me? Are you 'spazzing' out? How do you cope? Is there more that you want at your age? How are you working to achieve those things? Let me know in the comments below!

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